Pepsi-Cola
by blue-chrysanthemum
Summary: johndave... language! no surprise there though hahaa... might be some sliiight suggestive themes... Each chapter is a standalone; they don't connect in any way. well, i warned you. now read! read like you have never read before!x'D
1. random fluff hhh

Your name is DAVE STRIDER, and you are one hopeless sack of shit. To say the least, you are having some... ah... relationship problems.

Big time.

Your best friend John tries to help you, but that really just makes it worse. Not that he's mean, he's wonderful - and that's the problem.

Because you have a crush on John Egbert.

And it's getting a bit... noticeable.

A voice startles you out of your thoughts.

"Dave... Dave! Hey! I'm not THAT boring, come on." God his voice.

"What?" You say, cursing yourself for not paying attention.

He smiles and shakes his head.

God that grin.

"You spaced out again. You... You've been doing that a lot lately. It's kinda-" He stopped, looking away. "F-funny. It's funny."

You turn to look at him. "I haven't really noticed," you say, trying to play it off or something 'cool' like that. "And anyway, anything's funny to you." He shrugs and nods. You smirk, leaning back against the chest behind you.

Container chest, not body chest.

But damn, a dude can dream.

And you definitely do.

Ahem, anyway...

You look up at him, tapping away on his computer, trying to fix a something-or-other bullshit program.

What a nerd.

He waves his hand to get your attention. Were you staring again? Shit. He sighs, crossing his arms.

"Look, I know something's up. Why can't you just tell me? We're supposed to be bros, right?"

Yep. There it was. Bros. Damnit.

"Look, John, if I knew it wouldn't compromise our friendship, I'd tell you."

"Dave, i'd be your friend no matter what. Why don't you believe that?" He gets off the chair and sits on the ground beside you. You look down at your hands, folded in your lap.

"So if I told you that I was in love with you, you would still be my friend."

You cringe at the sound, or lack thereof, of his stunned silence.

"Well... Dave... No, I... I'm sorry-"

"I knew it. And now i'm just going to go to Mexico and change my goddamned name to Pedro, so if you'll excuse me-"

"Dave, that's not what I meant."

"Then what? What else could you possibly-"

"Your boyfriend, Dave."

Your heart threatens to bruise your ribs.

"W-what?"

He turns slightly, looking somewhere past you.

"If I feel the same way, then that would make me your boyfriend... N-not your friend."

You forget how to breathe.

"So... Are you...? Or was that just-"

"Yes, John. Yes." You find yourself speechless, for once in your life.

He hesitates. "Truly... Truly, madly, deeply?"

And the John you know is back.

You smile despite yourself.

"Truly, madly, deeply."

[yooo im going to get killed for being dumb ahhahaa

/runs

yeah, i know they're kinda ooc in this

but that's yo problem

write yo own story

damn

just kidding

gomenasai ]


	2. Dave's 'Artistic License'

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and DAVE STRIDER is demonstrating his LYRIC-CREATING SKILL.

Or something like that. Really, he just keeps changing the lyrics to songs to make them suggestive. It was funny at first, but now you just find it mildly irritating.

What song was his latest prey?

Oh yeah, "Thinking out Loud."

You try to ignore it, but to no avail.

"Will your mouth still remember the taste of my cu-"

"Dave."

"What? Man, i'm having a serious jam session here. You're ruining my flow... But you wouldn't know, would you?"

"Flow? Oh man, I've got rhyme like ghostbusters got slime."

He laughs, takka-takka-ing away on his computer... Probably writing another installment of his dumb webcomic. "Whatever." He spins in his chair to look at you, his shades reflecting sunlight right into your eyes.

You squint at him.

"Is my beauty blinding you?" He jokes, smirking.

"Oh Dave, your awesomeness just fries my fucking corneas to a crisp. Always." You say. "The swooning is so intense."

The smirking intensifies."Oh John, your way with words makes me blush." He fans his face with his hand.

He turns back to his computer shenanigans.

It's quiet, but you don't mind; you just like his compa-

"And baby I will be fuckin' you 'till we're-"

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT DAVE!"

[hahA ITS BEAUTIFUL

just kidding wtf is this bullshif

bye]


	3. haha its not bad i swear

"You're going to ruin it."

"No i'm not, I know what i'm doing."

"Yes you are! You're being too rough!"

"Dude shut up."

"Hey, who is the master here?"

"Not you- Hey, ow!"

"Dave, what the hell are you even doing?!"

"I DON'T KNOW I'VE NEVER DONE THIS OKAY?!"

"GOD DAMNIT-"

There was a loud slam as Bro burst through the door.

Dave and John sat on the ground, each holding a slip of paper and a pencil. John squealed and tossed the pencil in surprise, and Dave flinched a little.

"The HELL are you boys doing?" Bro asks, leaning against the doorframe.

"Bro, I-I can explain! John-"

"I-I'm trying to teach him a m-magic trick! Y-you, ah, put the pencil through the p-paper without r-"

Bro walked out of the room, shaking his head.

Why won't the damn kid just get laid already

[hahHA IM NOT SORRY

this is bullshit

it's like... 1am

ghh]


	4. brooOOO

Your name is DAVE STRIDER, and wow, this is new.

You're actually just sitting in your swivel chair. How is that new?

John is on your lap, actually.

If you didn't know him, it might be kinda hot.

But you do know him, of course, so jt's just a cute geeky gesture.

"Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave!"

"What what what what what?"

He puts his chin on your shoulder.

"I like you alot!" He says, and you can sense the blush and the smile and the sparkling eyes intently awaiting your reply.

"I would certainly hope so." You say with a smile, like a total coolkid.

He laughs and gives you a kiss, and you hear a click, and your only thoughts are

'god damnit now would be the moment wouldnt it seriously what the hell'

That is, before they are interrupted by your smug guardian.

"Well, i'll be damned. Congratulations. I'll have to start calling you li'l big man." He says with a chuckle, turning to walk away.

"B-Bro! Wait! That's not what-"

The door clicks back shut.

God damnit, will that SON OF A BITCH EVER LISTEN TO YOU?

No. No he won't.

John gives you a look of complete mortification.

"Dave..."

You look at him.

"Can we... Hang out at my house more often?"

You nod.

[woohoo +1 for super cockblock broski

way to go

guys just go frick at john's house or

rose's manor house attic or

somewhere on jade's island

just

not at dave's house

especially when bro's around ]


	5. WALMART ADVENCHAAAA

''Honestly, John, this is boring as shit and i'd rather not waste one of our super rare bro hangout jam times. Let's fuck some shit up or something. Rattle some trash cans, get some raccoons angsty,''

You laugh at your friend's proclivity to have an extremely strange idea and actually suggest it like it's plausible. ''Dave, no. Last time you rattled some trash cans the neighbours called the police and you were put under house arrest for a week. I don't know about you, but that ankle bracelet still haunts my nightmares. Besides, it's almost twelve. Can't we just go to sleep, like normal people?'' You say, leaning over the edge of your bed to look down at Dave, who has decided to lay on the ground. You briefly wonder who writes this longwinded bullshit, but then quickly stop after realizing that you are breaking the fourth wall.

He just laughs. ''Oh yeah, that goddamn ankle bracelet. That was assinine. And nobody goes to sleep at midnight, how old are you? Six? Let's go to Walmart.'' He suggests, clasping his hands over his shades on his stomach.

You stare at him blankly for a moment. ''What the_ fuck _would we do at _Walmart_?!'' You sort of whisper-yell, minding the fact that your dad is probably still awake downstairs mixing some toxic pastry batter concoction. ''Besides, i'm wearing boxers and slippers.''

''You're lucky i'm so damn virtuous; I didn't even try to look. Put some clothes on, then.'' He deadpans.

''But I don't wannaaaaaaa.''

''Wear a fucking bathrobe or something. And please, for the love of God, never do that whiny sound with your voice again.''

You groan and roll off of the bed, charmed into submission by your friend's seemingly infinite charisma.

''John, please,'' He says, shielding his eyes, ''you're comprimising the integrity of my virgin eyes.''

''Oh, shut up.'' You laugh, rounding the corner. You grab a robe from the bathroom and slip it on, tying that wierd cloth belt thing as you walk back into your room. Dave gets up, his bunny slippers squeaking as he accompanies you down the stairs. You make it outside unnoticed, thankfully, and begin your short trek to Walmart. Neither of you speak, which has been a bit of a recurring theme lately. He says nothing's wrong when you ask, and you know he wouldn't tell you even if there was. You normally fill the void with absent chatter, but you're afraid to say something stupid, so you continue in silence. Suddenly, he puts his arm around your shoulders, and you smile.

''Sorry, too homo for you? I know how strict your hands-off-or-das-gay rules are.'' He jokes, but his monotone is a bit strained. You ignore it, mark it up as 'he's just tired.'

''Nah,'' You say. ''the gaydar only goes off if your hands are anywhere in the vicinity of my waist.''

''Alright, i'll keep that in mind. Hands off the merchandise.''

''Exactly.''

...

[A/N: I HAD THIS PART ALL TYPED OUT AND IT WAS WONDERFUL AND I DELETED IT. FUUUUUUCK MY LIFEEEEEEE. So have a short lazy version :').]

Your Walmart shopping experience mostly consists of Dave pushing you around in a cart, fuck the police. At one point he sings that goddamn Aladdin song in a stupid country falsetto.

You laugh at trivial things like tampons and viagra and everything in the 'planning/protection' aisle and fucking bandaids.

You're not sure why you find yourself laughing at bandaids, but you do.

And it's the best feeing you've had in a while.

Between the exausted delirium you're slipping into and your amazing best friend, everything seems funny.

Especially when you're buying 6 boxes of twinkies, Monsters, Cokes, and a bagel.

And the cashier asks how long you've been dating.

Aand Dave gets all tongue-tied and flustered.

''What was that all about?'' You ask as you both walk out of the store.

''What are you talking about?''

''Oh, hmm, I dunno, the whole 'Uh um hurr durr no we're not uh we're just um friends er yeah a herp derp,' debacle?''

There's a looong moment of awkward silence.

''I mean, I totally get it if you have a flaming homosexual crush on me.''

''Oh, good, because I do.''

''Hell, between the bad taste in movies and overall geekiness, what's not to - wait, what?''

''I have a flaming homosexual crush on you.'' He says, matter-of-factly.

''...''

''...''

''...Oh.'' You say, because you're a huge idiot and most of your brain is currently FLIPPING IT'S SHIT.

''Yep. Yeah. Just thought i'd throw that out there. Balls to the wall.''

''...I- Okay. Uh, that's... Wow. About how homo would you say?''

''On a scale of what? Holding hands to f-''

''You know what, nevermind. Nevermind, oh God.''

''Oops.'' He shrugs.

Your name is John Egbert, and sometimes you have sudden impulses.

And sometimes you act on them.

Like equipping a bunny to your strife deck.

Or going batshit crazy with a spring-powered sledgehammer.

Or grabbing your lousy best friend by the collar of his lousy eminem shirt and kissing him on his lousy mouth and god damnit you feel sparkly what the hell.

...

When you arrive back at your house, you eat like 23 twinkies between the two of you, and throw the bagel at each other like a bunch of idiots, and say gross sappy stuff because youlre gross.

You also do other things, though you won't include them here. [A/N: LENNY FACE^413000000]

You will, however, say that it was nice, as well as a lot of other adjectives that you aren't used to using with best-friend activities.

...

[i'm not sorry

ok

ok maybe a little

but eh

pointless bs

damn that walmart part was so good too

asdfghjkl stupid website

i curse alot too oops hahaaa...

cya next time aaa otps are gr8 hhhhh

it's like 1am wowzah i need to stfu and slEEP ]


End file.
